Archive | November 2012

Crashing

Ever walk past a house wafting sumptuous BBQ smells? On my to-do list is to crash a stranger’s BBQ, act like I belong there and mooch a meal. I’ll saunter in: “Sorry I’m late. I’m a friend of Mike’s,” which is my ready line, since everyone knows someone named Mike. I’ll carry a covered dish (nothing in it, just a covered empty container, since I’m there to mooch a meal rather than feed others). Confidence is key; act like I belong and count on people at the BBQ being too timid to question me closely and kick me out. It worked a few times in Cary Grant movies when he played an imposter among rich society. John Belushi used to walk into people’s houses and raid their fridges. Wish me luck!

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Food visions

You know how people have seen images of Jesus or the Virgin Mary on their shower curtain or toast? I was rolling out pumpkin pie dough and it was shaped just like the borders of the Czech Republic. I ask you, what are the odds?

Awkward

Ever get a Christmas present from someone whom you didn’t expect to give you anything, and you got them jack shit?

“It is beneath human dignity to lose individuality and become a mere cog in the machine.”
Ghandi

the Tower by Nigel Jones

I’m nearly finished reading this well-researched, dry-humored nonfiction work about the notorious Tower of London. There is such a torrent of names, titles and battles, from Hastings in 1066 to World War II, that I knew there was no way I’d keep them all straight. I just let go and marvelled at the imaginative, grisly forms of torture and execution down the centuries in and around the Tower. It was a royal residence for centuries, but I think the splendor is forever tarnished in most minds by all the noggins that rolled downhill. How can the Crown jewels compete with the likes of a traitor’s entrails being wound on a roller while the doomed man watches? When a plotter named Blount was enduring this very treatment back in 1400, he was asked if he wanted a drink. He replied “No for I should not know where to put it.” At what moment was the bloody notoriety of English rule supplanted by refinement and slight, polite overbites?

Long story short, a meaty historical read.

Porn pondering

I marvel at how some pornos feature an ‘innocent’ girl being corrupted by 2 or more men of varying ethnicities. The pig-tailed, knee-socked virgin is meant to be a teen but has somehow found time to get multiple tats and body piercings, and her face looks 35 if she’s a day. I know I’m meant to use these films to fun up my sex life, not point out the glaring plot inconsistencies, but c’mon..

Tits!

Now that I have your attention…is anyone out there a runner? I’m 43 and trying to qualify for the Boston Marathon. The finish time for my age bracket is 3:50 minutes. On average I finish around 4:20 (hey, 4:20!), and can’t seem to crack that. Any tips for speeding up? Should I eat more beef jerky?