Archive | November 2012


Ever walk past a house wafting sumptuous BBQ smells? On my to-do list is to crash a stranger’s BBQ, act like I belong there and mooch a meal. I’ll saunter in: “Sorry I’m late. I’m a friend of Mike’s,” which is my ready line, since everyone knows someone named Mike. I’ll carry a covered dish (nothing in it, just a covered empty container, since I’m there to mooch a meal rather than feed others). Confidence is key; act like I belong and count on people at the BBQ being too timid to question me closely and kick me out. It worked a few times in Cary Grant movies when he played an imposter among rich society. John Belushi used to walk into people’s houses and raid their fridges. Wish me luck!


Food visions

You know how people have seen images of Jesus or the Virgin Mary on their shower curtain or toast? I was rolling out pumpkin pie dough and it was shaped just like the borders of the Czech Republic. I ask you, what are the odds?


Ever get a Christmas present from someone whom you didn’t expect to give you anything, and you got them jack shit?

“It is beneath human dignity to lose individuality and become a mere cog in the machine.”

the Tower by Nigel Jones

I’m nearly finished reading this well-researched, dry-humored nonfiction work about the notorious Tower of London. There is such a torrent of names, titles and battles, from Hastings in 1066 to World War II, that I knew there was no way I’d keep them all straight. I just let go and marvelled at the imaginative, grisly forms of torture and execution down the centuries in and around the Tower. It was a royal residence for centuries, but I think the splendor is forever tarnished in most minds by all the noggins that rolled downhill. How can the Crown jewels compete with the likes of a traitor’s entrails being wound on a roller while the doomed man watches? When a plotter named Blount was enduring this very treatment back in 1400, he was asked if he wanted a drink. He replied “No for I should not know where to put it.” At what moment was the bloody notoriety of English rule supplanted by refinement and slight, polite overbites?

Long story short, a meaty historical read.

Porn pondering

I marvel at how some pornos feature an ‘innocent’ girl being corrupted by 2 or more men of varying ethnicities. The pig-tailed, knee-socked virgin is meant to be a teen but has somehow found time to get multiple tats and body piercings, and her face looks 35 if she’s a day. I know I’m meant to use these films to fun up my sex life, not point out the glaring plot inconsistencies, but c’mon..


Now that I have your attention…is anyone out there a runner? I’m 43 and trying to qualify for the Boston Marathon. The finish time for my age bracket is 3:50 minutes. On average I finish around 4:20 (hey, 4:20!), and can’t seem to crack that. Any tips for speeding up? Should I eat more beef jerky?